Developers Can Now Safely Call Themselves ‘Rockstars’

The term “rockstar” is tossed around loosely in tech. Hiring managers love it (“We want a real rockstar tech pro in this role!”), and developers use it to describe their heroic ability to work without sleep. As a result, it’s grievously overused. Enter the Rockstar programming language, which will attempt to singlehandedly reverse this sad trend.

Rockstar is a dynamically-typed language that claims to be Turing complete. It’s also “heavily influenced by the lyrical conventions of 1980s hard rock and power ballads,” according to its Github page, so get into the attic and bust out that Ratt tee. You’re gonna need it.

Everyone knows rock lyrics are subjective and open to interpretation. So is code. That’s why Rockstar does away with comments. As its GitHub repo adds, comments in Rockstar are “strongly discouraged” (like so many brown M&Ms). “It’s up to the audience to find their own meaning” in Rockstar.

(If you insist on commenting your code, do so in parentheses, like I’m doing right now. Also, call yourself a roadie. You’re no rockstar!)

Variables can be declared using a, an, the, my, or your, followed by the variable name. In Rockstar, proper variables should be declared using uppercase, and names like Tommy or Billie Jean.

You might be asking yourself: “What’s the point?” The point is simple: Rockstar was created specifically to prevent the use of the term “rockstar developer” without it relating to an actual skill:

…if we make Rockstar a real (and completely pointless) programming language, then recruiters and hiring managers won’t be able to talk about ‘rockstar developers’ any more.
Also ‘cos it’s kinda fun and any language based on the idea of compiling Meatloaf lyrics has to be worth a look, right?
Also we can make stickers. Who doesn’t want a sticker on their laptop saying ‘CERTIFIED ROCKSTAR DEVELOPER’?

Rockstar might be dumb, and pointless, but we’re concerned. If this trend continues, someone will – someday – write a Nickelback language. It’ll probably replace R, as the lyrics have a proven track record of being useful for graphing.

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2 Responses to “Developers Can Now Safely Call Themselves ‘Rockstars’”

  1. Nate, I am sure that Robin Crosby is rolling over in his grave, knowing that his beloved band “RATT” was being used by the nerd patrol as a teaching point for coding.

    PS: You can abuse Nickelback all you want because no one will care; however, misusing RATT, well that is just bad form.

    PSS: T.T.V.