The winter solstice is upon us, and if sacrificing a n00b in the primordial woods isn’t part of your holiday plans, perhaps you’ll be waiting with anticipation for Krampus as he descends from his mountain lair to frighten the children. Wait, wrong traditions. Precious few people these days celebrate the holidays by strapping on an impressive set of horns to honor the ancient guardians.
However you observe this time of year, chances are good it’ll involve securing gifts for other people; in which case, Dice has you covered with the geekiest, wildest presents for those on your list:
Krampus Ornament ($24.99)
WalMart, world’s largest box store, is paying tribute to Krampus this holiday season. This stunning likeness of the Bavarian Alps’ own winter hero is perfect for each of your neighbors’ trees, especially those neighbors who love beasts with sharp teeth.
Saint Hasselhoff Prayer Candle ($14.95)
Light the sacred candle of St. Hasselhoff and your desires will be made manifest. Your devotion to the Holy Prince of all that is Knight Rider, Bay Watch and Germany’s pop charts means that he will like, totally hear your prayers and really, really feel for you.
Who wouldn’t want a baby robot with vintage camera head? Everyone will think it’s a clever decorative object… but you’ll have the last laugh when it comes to life one night and devours your snooping mother-in-law.
Giant Shrimp Pillow ($38.69)
Ever wanted to pretend that you’re part of a shrimp cocktail? Plop down on the couch and wrap this baby around your neck.
Faux Bear Skin Rug ($135.00)
Bears really don’t like to be shot at (or told to leave people’s kayaks alone); it makes them really grumpy. If you approach them in a friendly manner and ask if you can make their skin into a rug, they’ll eat your face. So if you’re truly committed to decorating with bear fur, we strongly advise you avoid all contact with the actual animals and purchase this faux gem instead.
Inflatable Jabba the Hutt ($149.99)
The real Jabba the Hutt probably weighs a couple tons; you wouldn’t want him in the front yard, where he’d destroy the flowerbeds and leave a mess on the lawn. Nevertheless, if you want to let everyone know who runs the show in your particular cul-de-sac, this inflatable facsimile will do the trick nicely.
Zombie Flamingos ($19.99)
The classic pink flamingo has finally received a much-needed upgrade! These hopped-up, bite-happy creatures are ready for the apocalypse and bound to cause mayhem for anyone unlucky enough to darken your front door.
Warlock Belt ($42.00)
This is a real Warlock belt. Do not buy this belt unless you intend to only do Warlock stuff when you’re wearing it. The other Warlocks will find out if you’ve violated that rule and worn it to Burning Man or The Sky Captain’s Faire. Don’t hurt their feelings. When those guys get mad, they cast spells and hit Twitter hard.
Star Trek Onesies ($19.99)
Do you want to create a baby for Command? Or better yet, Sciences! Operations is okay too because …Scotty. These onesies are 100 percent pure cotton and, in the spirit of Star Trek, guaranteed to deal with anything that gets thrown at or up on them.