Our 2014 Gift Guide Is the Geekiest

Han Solo in Carbonite Business Card Case

Happy Chrismakwanzikkah, a very irritating Festivas and a good winter solstice to you!

To help you people of Earth celebrate the season, we’ve yet again put together a random guide to the kinds of gifts you want (but might be too afraid to ask for).

Humans at Work

Han Solo Carbonite Business Card Case $19.99

How can you garner the respect of your peers without proof of your nefarious, dark gifts?

This solid block of “carbonite” that holds a miniaturized Han Solo (because your evil powers are extra evil, and allow you to shrink people, too) is really a spring-loaded business-card case. It’s a good looking, useful hunk of metal that, when pulled out to retrieve a card, is guaranteed to impress Jedi and Sith alike.

Active Sitting Office Chair $199.95

Don’t want people you love and/or work with to drop dead in front of their computers? This backless, tilting office chair strengthens the back and promotes physically active sitting. By leaning in any direction, computer potatoes can work their cores and strengthen their non-existent stomach and back muscles. Geeks beware, the missing backrest makes slouching difficult. For the picky among you, the chair is also height adjustable, has a comfy padded vinyl seat and sturdy, stamped steel base.

Instant Excuse Ball $9.95

Tongue tied when the boss confronts you? Just shake the Instant Excuse Ball and a rationale for your stupidest human tricks will appear without effort. This blue ball may be similar to the famed, lie-telling Magic 8 Ball, but it’s much better; it can save your job. Or give management a big laugh while they’re sending security to help you clean out your desk.

Affirmation Bandages – 20 Per Tin $5.95

In the blink of an eye, a paper cut can destroy a perfect day. Instead of grabbing for a boring ol’ standard-issue Band-Aid, keep a collectible tin of Affirmation Bandages on hand. You won’t be forced to look at a sad, pinkish glob of plastic; your spirits will lift and sing at the sight of two smiley faces per bandage, accompanying phrases such as, “You’re 100% Awesome!” and “Your Hair Looks Great Today!” For those whose skin is especially sensitive, they’re also sterile and latex-free.

Humans at Play


iPad Foosball $100.00

Reborn for the 21st century, iPad Foosball provides just the right combination of tactile, hands-on experience with digital enhancement. You can customize your players, keep track of tournament play, and add sound effects, including the cheering crowds you so richly deserve. Compatible with iPad, iPad 2 or iPad 3, the only big drawback is that there’s no place to rest your red cup.

Silent Guitar $30.00

A perfect gift for the chronic knee jigglers, toe tappers and desk drummers, this portable practice device is completely silent and will keep both hands very busy. Whether the musician is a newly minted guitar player or veteran garage band prodigy, he can hone his skills on the go without disturbing anyone around him. Made with a raised strum pad and real guitar strings, it’s collapsible and small enough to carry in a pocket.

Real Pac Man Arcade Game $3,500

Are you feeling nostalgic and mourning your real (or imagined) youth? Made by Namco and built to commemorate the game’s 30th anniversary, this full-sized Pac Man arcade video game console comes complete with the original programming. Hang on tight to the four-way joystick and buttons while you groove to the classic sounds of “wocka, wocka, wocka” and dodge Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde.

DJ in a Box $76.00

Does anyone out there need to channel their inner Steve Aoki? This little gem puts a digital recording tool in the palm of your hand. Aspiring DJs can capture vocals and other sounds, manipulating them with loops and pitch-bending playback. Handmade in the hipster enclave of Brooklyn, New York, no two are alike—but they’re all ready to beatbox.

Humans Grooming

Toothpaste squeeze

Toothpaste Tube Ringer $21.95

The sensible folk in your life will delight in a tube ringer. It not only prevents painful hand cramps, it saves time and money by squeezing up to 35 percent more out of your toothpaste tube. Reliable and sturdy, the tube ringer can deliver sanity and order in a crazy, mixed-up world.

Power Bacon Deodorant $12.99

Bacon is nature’s perfect aphrodisiac. Wearers of this sizzled-pork-scented deodorant will be mobbed by admirers of both the two- and four-legged variety. Strangers will swoon and dogs will come without being called. For all day meat-scented protection, apply liberally to armpits, feet and wherever else the call of the swine is desired.

The Viking Beard Kit Deluxe $46.00

All good hipsters and Rutherford B. Hayes lookalikes deserve a little more love for those ubiquitous beards. Give these hairy dears the curative gift of the manly man’s Viking Beard Kit. Subtly scented with oak moss, leather essence, a touch of pine and a hint of citrus, the therapeutic oils in the mix are an energizing antidepressant, an aphrodisiac, a stress reliever and soul soother. They also do wonders for unwanted wrinkles and other signs of aging.

Humans in Clothes

GIant Lobster Claw Gloves

Lobster Claw Gloves $34.95

Dr. Zoidberg be damned; everyone and their mother should be able to don lobster claws. Such glamor shouldn’t be the exclusive domain of a precious few space aliens and their billions of seafaring cousins. These gloves are easy to articulate, move like the real thing and would be a terrific addition to a business-casual wardrobe. 

Firefly Socks $9.99

Overall, there’s too little Joss Whedon in the world and never enough Serenity. Keep your toes toasty warm while celebrating a classic (both the man and the show) every time you put on your socks. Available in both men’s and women’s sizes.

World of Warcraft Robes $149.99

You won’t have to quest or raid to get these WoW bathrobes. They come in Avatar Regalia (Tier 5-Priest) or Judgment Armor (Tier 2-Paladin). MMO champions can finally discard their worn out t-shirts and stretchy sweats, and dress with the elaborate style that the game deserves.

Humans Feeding

1 Pound Bag I Death Wish Coffee Company

Death Wish Coffee $19.99

Caffeinators rejoice, the world’s strongest coffee is here! Not for the faint of heart, the blend is dark, rich and bold. Imbibing will keep you aware, alert and colon-cleansed. It’s also organically grown and fair trade, which should make drinkers feel good about their brew of choice when they’re wide awake in the middle of the night.

Sriracha Chocolate Bars $6.99 – $14.99

Love is sweet. It also burns. Combine those two emotions in a foodstuff and you have the Sriracha Spicy Chocolate Bar. This tasty, naughty treat is a blend of sun-ripened chili and dark chocolate cocoa.

Mixed Insect Edible Bug Pack $18.00

Containing approximately 70 roasted, edible insects, including meal worms, crickets and cockroaches, this delightful little snack pack is a good starter for anyone who’s never eaten a bug on purpose. Sealed in a deli cup (and no, they didn’t scuttle in and get caught there), these crunchy delights are akin to cracklings. Feeling a little challenged by the thought of eating things you usually spray poison on? Best get over it now. Insects are on their way to becoming the major protein source of our very near future. 

Humans Thinking


Smartphone Sanitizer $19.95 – $59.95

Kill any nasty germs by placing the phone inside the device, attaching the charging cable, and closing the lid. A pair of specialized, ultra-violet lights do all the scrubbing, and exterior lights let you know when the phone is charged and the cleaning complete.

Automatic Cordless Tire Inflater $89.95

The last three times we tried to put air in our tires, the gas-station air supply machines stole our quarters. And why for the love of dog should anyone have to pay for air, anyway? This is a smart device for any driver and that’s why we’re including the item. It’s the only cordless inflator that automatically shuts off when it reaches the desired tire pressure. Operating akin to a cordless drill, a squeeze of the trigger inflates an automobile’s tire to 36 psi in minutes and inflates a bicycle tire to 58 psi in one minute. Its lithium-ion battery provides hours of continuous operation from a two-hour charge using the included AC adapter or DC car charger.

Fake Parking Tickets (Set Of 25) $2.45

A must-have for any person who’s morally outraged by the sight of a Hummer in a compact space, or a Maserati taking up two spaces. Slap one of these highly visible yellow tickets on the windshield of the offending vehicle (look around first though—you want to avoid a screaming match) and feel smugly superior knowing that until they read the fine print, the recipient’s day will be darker.

Humans Still Growing

n00b Baby

n00b Onesie $9.99

What’s up with those baby n00bs anyway? You think they’d know a thing or two after a few weeks but noooo, they keep being n00bs!

This 100 percent combed ring-spun cotton creeper features a reinforced three-snap closure and lap-sleeves. Buy it. You know you want to.

Slime Time Clock $19.95

No not the Gwyneth Paltrow kind of goop, the other kind. Mix up an electrochemical goop, fill the two test tubes with the splashy stuff, add the wires, and lo and behold, you’ll be able to tell time. Help make more geeks by gifting any kid you love with this nifty little science experiment. We need as many of those little geeks as possible to grow up and help fix all the stuff that’s broken.

Boomer the Zoomer Dino $99.99

Boomer is an interactive dinosaur who just loves to play—supposedly. He moves like a real dinosaur and sounds like one, too. He’s very responsive and can detect when you’re interacting with him. He reacts to being touched, too. But just like a real dinosaur, he’s an unpredictable eating machine who can turn on a dime and try to swallow you whole. Fortunately, he’s only a few inches tall.

Humans With Four Legs

Nina Ottosson Wooden Dog, Treat Fighter

Turbo Dog Treat Fighter $78.43

Need to challenge the dog? These puzzles are a perfect way for you to work on your human-canine relationship by making your loyal friend work for treats. You’ll get a bit of a workout, too, because you’ve got to deal with hiding food in the board. The dog may think you’re an idiot for making the treat getting so difficult. He may also wonder if you’re deliberately trying to torture him but he’s a dog, so you’ll be forgiven and all will be forgotten, until the next time.

Cat Treat Maze $25.99

The cat already hates you. You’re just going to make it worse by offering various levels of difficulty to challenge her already prodigious ability to find treats. That being said, it may offer the world-weary cat some mild amusement and prevent her from missing the box or leaving a “present” on your pillow because she’s so bored with the inanity of life.

Tortoise Cozies $18.00 – $30.00

Tortoises in macramé clothing are now a thing. Dress your darling reptile in the latest knit fashion so he’ll fit in with his peers. Bonus points for the owner of this Etsy shop. She created it to bring joy to other tortoise and reptile fans and 10 percent of each purchase goes to the International Reptile Rescue in Canby, Oregon. The rest goes towards the impeccably dressed, rescue and rehab tortoise friends who live with her.

Rabbit Chew Box $2.69 each

Natural pumice prevents bunnies’ teeth from overgrowing and keeps fuzzy jumpers occupied so they won’t nibble the cords of your electronics and cause a citywide power outage. Buy a bunch and bunnies will always acquit themselves admirably.

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Images: ThinkGeek, Uncommon Goods, Stupid.com, Death Wish Coffee Company, Amazon